Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
