Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
