Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
