I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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