I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
