ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize