My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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