Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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