On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
