Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
