btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
