Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize