The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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