I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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