OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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