I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
