thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
