I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
