I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
