There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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