hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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