Sry I called you an 8
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
