Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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