you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
