I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
