so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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