Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
