Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
