do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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