what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just invented taco cereal.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize