the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
