Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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