I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
