What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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