Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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