Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
