I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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