I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize