I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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