We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
not ubering you a puppy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
