I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
