When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
