five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
