I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize