This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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