well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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