I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
