Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
