Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
