cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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