I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
