Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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