Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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