Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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