I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
