Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize