I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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