There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
