At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
