Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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