it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
