i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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