Please, let me fuck your mom
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize