5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
