you traded sex for a burrito?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
