I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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