Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
