I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
