I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
