i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
