my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
