she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
